


Because you chose her

by sherllycolmpels



Series: Letters to John [7]
Category: Sherlock (TV)
Genre: Angst, Depressed Sherlock, Depression, Drug Use, Episode: s03e02 The Sign of Three, Heartbreak, Heartbroken Sherlock, I cried while writing this, Letter, M/M, POV Sherlock Holmes, Post-Episode: s03e02 The Sign of Three, Sherlock Holmes and Drug Use, Suicidal Sherlock, Suicidal Thoughts, angsty
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-13
Updated: 2017-03-13
Packaged: 2018-10-04 06:43:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 582
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10270586
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sherllycolmpels/pseuds/sherllycolmpels
Summary: It's hard for Sherlock to cope after the wedding. Between drugs injections and working on cases, Sherlock debates whether or not this life is worth living without John by his side.





	

Dear John,

I’m going to say it straight and to the point – I’ve debated killing myself again. Again, because I haven’t thought about it ever since you came into my life. Even abroad, in the two years I’ve been away from you, beaten to a pulp and tortured, I couldn’t think about killing myself knowing that you’re at home waiting for me.

John, I’m back on drugs. It’s the only way to numb the pain, even if only a little. I couldn’t stop myself like that night after I’ve seen you again with her after two years of separation. I couldn’t stand those feelings anymore, taking all over me like a tsunami, sweeping me around and choking me. I’m so high, and it's useless. It doesn’t help me to keep you out of my mind. I can’t keep you out of my head, you’re everywhere and nowhere simultaneously. I’m like a lost puppy, going all around my mind palace, searching for you, screaming, crying, sobbing, shaking… I’m so weak, my love. I’m not walking anymore, I’m crawling with my shaking useless body from hall to hall, from room to room, searching for you like a lost thirsty man in an endless desert, helplessly looking for water. And all I can find is her, telling me that you’re gone. That you were never mine, and never will be. And she’s right, John. She’s right because you chose her. I could never blame you for choosing her over myself, over a broken man, an addict, a sociopath… Or at least I believed to be one until you came and made me so human that it hurts to breath. I was naïve to think there’s a chance you’d ever choose me. But I hoped, John, I had so much hope that you’re feeling the same, that you think about me at least half as much as I think about you.

I am so alone. I had already felt that way once, before you came, have I ever told you that? But now, it’s a whole new kind of loneliness – It’s like losing your sight after getting to see the world around you. This loneliness is so much harder, because I now know what it feels like to have you, even if not entirely. You were never entirely mine, John.

You left a void in me, John, a void nothing and nobody would ever be able to fill. And let me tell you this, my love – I’d do this all over again, because I would never pass the good fortune of knowing you, John Watson, even though a man like me doesn’t deserve even the good fortune of knowing a man like you. You are the bravest, and kindest, the smartest, the most beautiful and wonderful human being I’ve ever had the good luck to meet. You are my everything.

I’m trying to work on cases, between injections. I’m trying to drown myself in work between the drugs to cope. Work is the best antidote to sorrow, doesn’t it? It doesn’t work, John, because you were part of my work for so long. It feels less natural without you, like there’s something missing. You’re always missing and I can’t cope with that.

I miss you, John. I miss you so much that it kills me. I might spare myself the suicide by this rate. How I wish you were here.

- ~~Your~~ Sherlock

~~Please let me pretend that I am yours,~~

~~even though you were never mine~~


End file.
